Search Weight Loss Topics:




Nov 8

The Science Advice Goddess: November 7, 2019 – River Cities Reader

Testosterone Comments Off on The Science Advice Goddess: November 7, 2019 – River Cities Reader

A Labor of Leave

I havent had sex since my last breakup, and Im all lusty. I really like this guy, but he seems to have some intimacy issues. We went on a coffee date, and the chemistry made things go further than I would have wanted or expected (making out like crazy in the car). My friends keep reminding me to build trust and friendship before sex. But can you really go backward? Like, is it possible to just hang out and chat once things have gotten hot and heavy?

Lustbucket

A nice, thick pane of bulletproof glass between two people is an underappreciated chastity helper, which is to say, in a perfect world, youd plan your dates around one of you getting a job in a check-cashing place or getting arrested and held without bail.

Theres a tendency when youve initially gone a little too heavy into the heavy petting to be all: Oh, well cats out of the bag. Lets just go straight to the sex dungeon. However, for women especially, having sex right away can lead to a sort of psychological blinding to their sex partners shortcomings.

Women seem more prone to getting attached when they have sex. This is thought to result from surging oxytocin, a hormone associated with emotional bonding between mothers and children, as well as lovers. Oxytocin is released in both men and women through cuddling, kissing, and especially through orgasm. However, in men, having sex also sets off a big blast of testosterone. Testosterone goes all nightclub bouncer on oxytocin, blocking it from getting to its receptor. So just as a womans going all melt-o about a guy, if the guy has no pre-sex emotional attachment to her, his neurochemistry is prodding him to say something sweet and romantic, like Thanks for the ride! Have a great life!

In other words, the bulletproof-glass suggestion isnt all that outrageous. Its a form of precommitment, a strategy by economist Thomas Schelling that involves preparing in advance to make it difficult for you to break a promise or duck a goal. Incorporating precommitment could mean only scheduling lunch dates in restaurants and only on days when you have a work meeting right afterward. Another idea is getting to know each other over the phone more than in person with the caveat that you only do it in relatively public places, where turning FaceTime into PenisTime is likely to lead to, um, jail time.

Fade to Bleh

Im a very obsessive person. I went on one date with this guy, and it was immediately apparent that hes emotionally unavailable and broken. I deleted his number but soon dug it back up. I texted, but he never responded. I know hes bad news, but I still think about him constantly. Its especially bad when Im trying to go to sleep. How do I stop these intrusive thoughts?

Besieged

Its like that spinning teacup ride, with Satan as the carny: Wanna get off? Too bad!

Youre doing your best to avoid thinking about the guy. Unfortunately, theres a problem with that. Research by psychologist Daniel Wegner on the paradoxical effects of thought suppression suggests our minds have something in common with a defiant two-year-old, meaning that telling yourself not to think about something gets your mind doing exactly the opposite: thinking about that thing with a vengeance.

This is just how the mind works. When you tell yourself not to think about something, its an immediate fail. The mind sweeps around to monitor how well youre doing at not thinking about it, which of course involves thinking about whatever youre not supposed be thinking about.

Helpfully, Wegner and his colleagues found a possible way to stem the flood of intrusive thoughts: distraction. This requires thinking of something positive and unrelated to the thoughts youre trying to suppress. Even a red Volkswagen the example they used in their experiment could do the job.

Whats more, psychologists Jens Forster and Nira Liberman found that you can keep your mind from constantly bouncing back to a thought if you shift your focus: admit that not thinking about it is hard. As I explain in my book Unf---ology, Removing the need to patrol your thoughts removes the mental sticky note that tells you to keep going back into Thoughtland with a flashlight to see how well youre doing at it.

Finally, because the mind cannot multitask, meaning think two thoughts at once, it might be helpful at bedtime to tire yourself out reading aloud or following a guided meditation on your phone: Youre walking down a beach youre looking out into the waves and um oops! Just remind yourself that not thinking about something is hard and yank your mind back to Swami Doodah after you inevitably picture yourself holding the guy down and drowning him in the ocean.

Got a problem? Write Amy Alkon: 171 Pier Ave, #280, Santa Monica, CA, 90405. E-mail AdviceAmy@aol.com, visit @amyalkon on Twitter, and listen to Amy's weekly podcast at BlogTalkRadio.com/amyalkon.

Order Amy Alkon's book Unf---ology: A Field Guide to Living with Guts & Confidence (St. Martin's Griffin, 2018).

Read more from the original source:
The Science Advice Goddess: November 7, 2019 - River Cities Reader

Related Posts

    Your Full Name

    Your Email

    Your Phone Number

    Select your age (30+ only)

    Select Your US State

    Program Choice

    Confirm over 30 years old

    Yes

    Confirm that you resident in USA

    Yes

    This is a Serious Inquiry

    Yes

    Message:



    matomo tracker