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Nov 20

Lock up at-risk fatties til they lose weight, and start with me – The Sun

THERE are many opinions on how we should tackle the coronavirus until a vaccine goes public.

Some argue that we should just open up the pubs and the cinemas, abandon social distancing and put up with the consequences.

Read our coronavirus live blog for the latest news & updates

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But we read this week about a chap in Wales who had to be held up at the funeral of his wife and two sons whod all died from the virus within days of each other.

And Im sorry but if we just opened everything up again and pretended nothing was happening, I fear wed be reading heartbreaking stories like that every day.

You then have those who want the Government to shut the schools and force everyone to hide under their beds. Im not sure the economy could survive that.

Then you get the loonies who say theres no virus at all and the whole pandemic is a plot designed by Boris, or the Chinese, or space aliens, to turn us into worker bees, or food, or robots.

The only thing you never hear anyone say is: I think the current government measures are working well. And that, of course, is because theyre not.

Theyre idiotic and no one I know is taking a blind bit of notice.

One of the suggestions Ive heard quite often is that we should lock up the nations old people, as they are the most at risk, so that everyone else can fill their lives with big nights out, casual sex and football.

But that wont work because whats old? Some people when theyre 70 can run up a mountain while others spend all day sitting in their inconti-panties, on a wipe-down chair, drooling. What might work, however, is locking up the other vulnerable group the fat.

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Fatness can easily be measured. It can even be seen. So anyone whos obese is forced to spend all day doing star-jumps and sit-ups at home, until they are not fat any more.

Its easy to enforce. You just get the police to make people stand on weighing scales in town centres and anyone whos overweight is sent home.

This would cut the number of fatalities, save the NHS, address the obesity crisis which is plaguing the nation and cause the weak-minded who over-eat to get a grip.

Speaking as someone who is fat, I know that if I was sitting at home while my friends were in the pub or at the football, and that I couldnt join them until Id lost the gut, Id teach myself to survive on nothing but weeds and seeds.

And Id lose two stone in a week.

HAVING provided free food for all of Britains children, Marcus Rashford is now urging kids to read something more challenging than the microwave instructions on a bag of frozen chips. The man is also a talented footballer.

Im not sure, but weve been waiting 2,000 years for the second coming. Has it arrived and we missed it?

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PICTURE the scene. Youre in urgent need of a kidney transplant and youre told that a suitable organ has been found. But its 300 miles away and no helicopters are available.

In Britain, youd be screwed.

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But not in Italy, where police have a fleet of Lamborghini Huracans. With cold boxes in the luggage compartment to keep organs fresh.

This means that last week, they were able to cover the 300-mile journey from just outside Venice to Rome at an AVERAGE speed of 145mph.

And that meant the patient can now look forward to a long and happy life.

As Ive always said, speed is good, speed is right, speed works.

Damned lies and statistics

TWENTY eight per cent of men questioned for a new survey said that they had, at some point in their lives, exceeded 100mph on the motorway.

This is staggering. Because what it means is that 72 per cent were lying.

And women fared even more badly because when they were asked the same question, 91 per cent lied.

ITS often been said that if you give policemen guns and dress them up like a special forces hit team, they will behave like a special forces hit team.

Which is probably why the American police end up kneeling on peoples necks until they are dead.

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I saw a photograph this week of some American riot cops and they were dressed like they were taking on the Terminator.

The only problem was that if you look carefully, youll notice that their Kevlar body armour covered every part of their bodies... apart from their meat and two veg.

Which means they could survive an explosion but not a well-aimed kick.

A SENIOR civil servant who resigned from the Home Office in a huff has said that his former boss, Priti Patel, was horrid.

Sir Philip Rutnam went on the news this week to say she used to shout and swear and that she was frightening... and at this point I did start to think: Oh for Gods sake, youre a grown man grow a pair.

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Everyone whos seen Sir Humphrey in Yes Minister knows that its a civil servants job to stop ministers from doing anything.

They have to accept that ministers will find this frustrating and that some of the more volatile ones will occasionally resort to a bit of full-volume swearing.

Live with it.

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SO now we know. Just nine years from now, we will no longer be able to buy a new car powered by petrol or diesel.

And five years after that, we wont be able to buy a hybrid either.

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Yup, even the Toyota Prius will be confined to the history books.

This is great news for the mine owners in countries like the Democratic Republic of the Congo, whose cobalt is used to make the batteries in electric cars. Its less good news though for the children who work there.

Its also not good news for Britains motorists because electric cars are eye-wateringly expensive.

I drove an electric Peugeot the other day that costs 10,000 more than the version that ran on petrol.

There are practical issues too because at present there are 30,000 charge points in the UK.

But when everyone has an electric car, we will need millions of the damn things. And where exactly is all this electricity going to come from?

At the moment, our wind farms and our nuclear and ordinary power stations can only just keep up with demand. So how will they cope when people need to charge up their laptops, their phones AND their cars every night?

The simple answer is: they wont.

Comment

THE SUN SAYSBrussels must get real and sign the basic trade deal that Boris Johnson wants

Comment

DAN WOOTTONThe Crown may be fiction but it gets nightmare of royal marriage spot on

Comment

THE SUN SAYSPM must listen to pubs & shops what they need is customers NOT tax breaks

Comment

TIFF NEEDELLBoris' petrol ban is a 40bn car crash that'll leave drivers footing the bill

Comment

ROD LIDDLEKeir Starmer's a nice new leader but it's the same nasty old Labour Party

A GERMAN schoolteacher has been arrested on suspicion of murdering his homosexual lover and then eating the body.

Apparently, the Berlin police checked out the browsing history on his computer and noted that, prior to the murder, hed been online to see whether you could survive if you cut off your own penis.

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Im sorry. Really? Theres a website for people who want to cut off their own genitals. Its an actual thing? Why?

GOT a story? RING The Sun on 0207 782 4104 or WHATSAPP on 07423720250 or EMAILexclusive@the-sun.co.uk

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Lock up at-risk fatties til they lose weight, and start with me - The Sun

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